During Jr. High I lost a lot of emotion…It was depression or anything, just a lack of negative feelings and dampened joy. It was really awesome but its also what caused the end of grade 9 to feel like shit. I started getting all my negative emotion back and now I weave in and out of a depressed-like state and a normal happy state. Damn hormones.
On the brighter side… Mellina… Me and her are going strong. We have been for over a month (+month of dancing around my stupidity, +a bit of foreshadowing). Now we’ve said those fucking words… The words that must be said. And I’m scared.
Mellina is what I’ve yearned for for so long and now I’m scared because I was starting to open up… And now… I have multiple crushes.
If the life existed in a closed system everything would be fine. I could explore all the options at once without hurting anyone. But no… I am left to toy and ponder… And worry and cry. What am I doing?
They’re all such perfect humans and here I am being a piece of trash and loving or lusting for all of them…
I just hope I don’t mess anything up or hurt anyone… I really don’t want to hurt anyone…
After all this time.
I’m back to the first love.
I’m not sure but I believe I have just been asked out. Someone asked me if I wanted to go somewhere and I said sure.
Then later I asked, not expecting this answer, who else would accompany us?
My guts hurt. I’m scared. I’m nervous. I got butterflies. I’m going to be sick. Its always like this.
Does this mean anything?
I think it does.
I seen them hurt by something i said. If there was nothing there it shouldn’t have upset them.
As it would turn out, if you don’t be a big do of us, or expect anything in return for your actions… Good people find good in their lives.
Maybe one more time won’t hurt…
My friend and I started talking about this person and how great they were and we joked about our odds of getting in a relationship with them; I made a joke about how i’d have a better chance because I have more time with them.
Now I have always been a little passive aggressive with this friend of mine, and they have been a little of whiny todd, but whats happening now is odd.
I’m not sure if this is what’s happening or what but it’s the feeling I have.
It feels like they’re trying to keep me away from them.
Soon after they stopped spending lunches with me.
They started trying to get more time in with the interest.
Maybe I peeked their interest by bringing them up.
I don’t know.
Then this thing happened that not only hurt a little, but feels weird. They invited the interest, and her friend, and their other friend, all of whom I was friends and of which I was their closest to a get-together. They didn’t invite me. Yeah yeah I know what it looks like. The interest said I should go when we were talking 1-on-1, but later when I was with my friend they said nothing. I didn’t want to just invite myself, I was taught it’s rude to invite yourself over to someones place.
(meanwhile a group of my other friends are getting together without even mentioning it to me)
So then later my friend is invited to go somewhere with one of the people they invited and still never is thinking of me. (Okay yeah i’m a narcissist. This is why I have this secret blog, because i’m so scared to show any feelings)
They have a great time then go back to their place. Then in the middle of the night I get a video message that “wakes me up” (AKA it didn’t because I hadn’t enabled sound since school had ended but it’s the thought that counts) at 4 in the morning. It was all of them being happy and shit.
It felt like they were laughing at me.
That they were happy I wasn’t there.
Because no one really likes me.
I’m just a convenient punching bag.
It’s not when you make fun of me, it’s not when you are rude or even maybe if you hit me…
It’s when you don’t want me that hurts me.
I don’t want to be alone.
I was talking to my friend about clothing choice and I was trying to explain something, as well as wrap my head around my own thoughts.
They tell the interest about what I was saying as if it’s not going to make me look bad. AND OUT OF THE FUCKING BLUE.
Like I show up,
they’re there with the interest,
and they tell them shortly after I arrive,
umm excuse me if that’s not sabotage?
I can’t trust any of my friends. I haven’t trusted anyone with all my secrets in my whole life. No one has ever been so trust worthy that I have told them more than a few secrets.
The only one I can trust really, is the one.
Mellina. I haven’t had a reason to not trust them.
Unlike some others.
God fucking damn it.
She pushed me against the large oak tree, quickly stealing my face in a ravenous kiss. I grunted in surprise, confused by the sudden action and pushed her away. My face torn with uncertainty she looked unscathed by my rejecting actions.
"What the hell?" I ask; to which she replied,
"Oh come on, fuck this bullshit, we’ve been doing the dance for years and I’m sick of playing around." Forcing her way back onto me she brought her mouth to my ear, "You gonna fuck me or what." Her whisper dripped with seductive truth. I wasn’t going to say no to her now.
Not after waiting so long.
I’m in Highschool now.
Its far superior to Jr High.
I’m back… After a long time of self reflection and exploration I am back. I have long since broken up with my first sexual partner. I have grown much in the aspects of who I am. And I have moved on into a new chapter of my life. The world seems so much clearer these days. I can finally see maturity and definition in the people around me. It blossoming and advancing. People are being themselves and they’re realizing who they are.
In the face of all this change and advancement I find myself staying in the past. Its actually very surprising… The weirdest thing ever for me… I guess its always been like this but throughout my summer vacation I forgot. Now this oddity is back and I’m left confused and wondering.
It all started back in grade 4, when I ended up in a classroom with a bunch of strange new people. I was alone for the first time, I was finally revealed to be not a popular kid but in fact a shy wuss. Sitting alone I decided to do the one thing I enjoyed, the one thing I thought I was good at; I drew a tree. Some people whom were interested in what I was walked over and I heard them ask “are they better than Mellina?”
Not their real name, to keep privacy private.
That first year I simply knew them as the drawer.
Over time I began to learn more and get to know them until finally one day in Jr. High we became friends. At first I was interested in their looks, as well as their friend but over time a new kind of feeling arose. A feeling of overall enjoyment.
They were the first person I met who was interesting and good looking.
I was baffled.
Eventually someone suggested we date, but when we did I was a wuss and after a month or so…
We stayed friends and the next year we tried again but as is the way with me I couldn’t handle it. For one I’m an asshole and secondly I’m too antisocial. I cannot function when in a public relationship. I prefer privacy.
Not to mention at those times I was stupid, naive and confused. And I hate myself everyday for being the way I used to be.
In grade 9 I dated you know who for various fucked up reasons. I manipulated and was odd last year. I regret everything.
Just… Fuuuuuck I’m an idiot. Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
During grade 9 I noticed a growing obsession… One that as I’ve shown was always there. I have never been able to vet Mellina out of my head. All my fantasies of the future push her in there somewhere and somehow. I don’t mean to be they’re there.
I can’t believe it.
Its so damn frustrating.
Who am I.
What am I.
I’ll admit… The sexual fantasies are big in my mind. But that’s normal for me, usually I can’t help it. But…. She floods my mind. No matter what she’s there. No matter the context.
For the past fucking 3 and a half years this woman has haunted me and dominated my thoughts. Its not ignorant its not silly thing… Not just attraction of the physical nature. Its her.
But I hate her. So naive. So… Odd. Innocent.
So funny. Beautiful. Sexy. Cute.
So interesting. Annoying. Hyper. Random
But I love her. I hate her.
To the fucking moon.
To the honeymoon
Jesus fucking shit.
Its worse because she liked me back at first… Maybe even now… But these days we’ve both been distant. Neither holding significant or meaningful relationships. I feel its my fault I put her off of it. But deep down I hope that she still likes me. I wish every look and brush and every time she was near me or hugged me or talked to me was something more. Every time I see her I’m left wishing for more time. Wishing to follow her. To see more. To talk more. To understand what has been fucking with my brain for so long.
I’ve met so many wonderful people. Beautiful women and interesting guys. Great relations could be had if I tried. But you all know I’m not like that. I don’t want relationships. I don’t want companionship of that caliber. I either want to be friends, sex buddies, or both… But… Never…. Anything else. An asshole I am and I know. But even so I never stop thinking of her. Why. Why.
To once… I want to…
Cry over Mellina.
Cry over my failure.
Its been a while.
My relationship never stops escalating. At first we’d make out. Then in class we’d play these “games”, then we’d play those games outside. Then we went a little further, well I did to them. Now after a few days of that, i’ve been payed back. Woo!
Still virgin, mind you ;)