Although I will never reveal my full identity, I would like to properly introduce myself. This past while has been tough and I have neglected to come on here and post and vent. I think that has taken a toll on me.
Call me Fox. I am 17 years old. Pansexual, I guess. Female. Red hair. White.
I am one of those people who gets told to eat more at dinner, to put meat on my bones. I try to gain weight but it doesn’t work.
I’m so pale you could use me to light the candles on a cake.
I guess if I want to keep this really private I shouldn’t reveal my location. As much as that would clarify what it’s like where I am. Let’s just say I live in the smallest town in the middle of the country. So yeah x_x
If you’ll notice, the format of this post is a bit more collected. That is because I am not ranting. I usually only come on here to rant, so you only see the really bad side of me. This is a less bad side of me.
Mellina is my partner. 16 years old. Same year level in school though! They’re gay I guess. They say they are. I dunno, they seem bi-curious to me, haha. Our relationship is being kept on the down low. We don’t want attention for it. We just wanna hang out as friends in public, and be partners in private. We don’t want people to expect things from us, or start thinking about our private occurrences.
My story so far?
I grew up in a poor little place, and all was pretty well until I moved to a new school. That’s when I started getting depressed and angry. This is most likely due to stresses I faced there.
Recently, the stress in my home life has making me more adventurous. Although I vowed to not drink underage, I recently suggested my partner and I have a few drinks sometime and hangout. As well, my sex drive has been through the roof. Going from a low, “yeah sure” to a high “RIGHT NOW OR I WILL DIE”. so yeah… I’ve been all over the place.
I want to live on my own as well. I am ready. I just need a job.
I plan to invite Mellina to move in with me once I move out. So that’ll be something. We have a really healthy relationship.
I think that is about it.
During Jr. High I lost a lot of emotion…It was depression or anything, just a lack of negative feelings and dampened joy. It was really awesome but its also what caused the end of grade 9 to feel like shit. I started getting all my negative emotion back and now I weave in and out of a depressed-like state and a normal happy state. Damn hormones.
On the brighter side… Mellina… Me and her are going strong. We have been for over a month (+month of dancing around my stupidity, +a bit of foreshadowing). Now we’ve said those fucking words… The words that must be said. And I’m scared.
Mellina is what I’ve yearned for for so long and now I’m scared because I was starting to open up… And now… I have multiple crushes.
If the life existed in a closed system everything would be fine. I could explore all the options at once without hurting anyone. But no… I am left to toy and ponder… And worry and cry. What am I doing?
They’re all such perfect humans and here I am being a piece of trash and loving or lusting for all of them…
I just hope I don’t mess anything up or hurt anyone… I really don’t want to hurt anyone…
After all this time.
I’m back to the first love.
I’m not sure but I believe I have just been asked out. Someone asked me if I wanted to go somewhere and I said sure.
Then later I asked, not expecting this answer, who else would accompany us?
My guts hurt. I’m scared. I’m nervous. I got butterflies. I’m going to be sick. Its always like this.
Does this mean anything?
I think it does.
I seen them hurt by something i said. If there was nothing there it shouldn’t have upset them.
As it would turn out, if you don’t be a big do of us, or expect anything in return for your actions… Good people find good in their lives.
Maybe one more time won’t hurt…
My friend and I started talking about this person and how great they were and we joked about our odds of getting in a relationship with them; I made a joke about how i’d have a better chance because I have more time with them.
Now I have always been a little passive aggressive with this friend of mine, and they have been a little of whiny todd, but whats happening now is odd.
I’m not sure if this is what’s happening or what but it’s the feeling I have.
It feels like they’re trying to keep me away from them.
Soon after they stopped spending lunches with me.
They started trying to get more time in with the interest.
Maybe I peeked their interest by bringing them up.
I don’t know.
Then this thing happened that not only hurt a little, but feels weird. They invited the interest, and her friend, and their other friend, all of whom I was friends and of which I was their closest to a get-together. They didn’t invite me. Yeah yeah I know what it looks like. The interest said I should go when we were talking 1-on-1, but later when I was with my friend they said nothing. I didn’t want to just invite myself, I was taught it’s rude to invite yourself over to someones place.
(meanwhile a group of my other friends are getting together without even mentioning it to me)
So then later my friend is invited to go somewhere with one of the people they invited and still never is thinking of me. (Okay yeah i’m a narcissist. This is why I have this secret blog, because i’m so scared to show any feelings)
They have a great time then go back to their place. Then in the middle of the night I get a video message that “wakes me up” (AKA it didn’t because I hadn’t enabled sound since school had ended but it’s the thought that counts) at 4 in the morning. It was all of them being happy and shit.
It felt like they were laughing at me.
That they were happy I wasn’t there.
Because no one really likes me.
I’m just a convenient punching bag.
It’s not when you make fun of me, it’s not when you are rude or even maybe if you hit me…
It’s when you don’t want me that hurts me.
I don’t want to be alone.
I was talking to my friend about clothing choice and I was trying to explain something, as well as wrap my head around my own thoughts.
They tell the interest about what I was saying as if it’s not going to make me look bad. AND OUT OF THE FUCKING BLUE.
Like I show up,
they’re there with the interest,
and they tell them shortly after I arrive,
umm excuse me if that’s not sabotage?
I can’t trust any of my friends. I haven’t trusted anyone with all my secrets in my whole life. No one has ever been so trust worthy that I have told them more than a few secrets.
The only one I can trust really, is the one.
Mellina. I haven’t had a reason to not trust them.
Unlike some others.
God fucking damn it.
She pushed me against the large oak tree, quickly stealing my face in a ravenous kiss. I grunted in surprise, confused by the sudden action and pushed her away. My face torn with uncertainty she looked unscathed by my rejecting actions.
"What the hell?" I ask; to which she replied,
"Oh come on, fuck this bullshit, we’ve been doing the dance for years and I’m sick of playing around." Forcing her way back onto me she brought her mouth to my ear, "You gonna fuck me or what." Her whisper dripped with seductive truth. I wasn’t going to say no to her now.
Not after waiting so long.
My relationship never stops escalating. At first we’d make out. Then in class we’d play these “games”, then we’d play those games outside. Then we went a little further, well I did to them. Now after a few days of that, i’ve been payed back. Woo!
Still virgin, mind you ;)